My Tinderella Experience

I was fresh out of a major heartbreak, (well, more like six months out) and was in total denial of how much I was crashing on the inside. The only coping mechanism I could come up with was to look for some sort of distraction. Something to take my mind off the thoughts and also keep my sanity.

Then I remembered I had a Tinder account and figured, what’s the worst that could happen? My plan was to keep things online but I became open to meets in no time. Now, at this point I had this total American date ideas in my head. You know…we’d hangout out at a cool spot, maybe have lunch or something, then we’d talk and laugh all evening, catch temporary feelings that won’t lead to jack and everyone will go home feeling alright. Too much books had given me unrealistic expectations. I forgot this was Nigeria.

First thing I did was to replace the stale pictures on my profile and put up a catchy bio. I ended up going on four tinder dates in a short space of time before giving up on the madness. I can’t kill myself. Here’s a summary of how they all went down.

Tinder Date 1: Scar face

okay, definitely not this guy.

I became like an informal therapist to TD1 shortly after we both swiped right. We talked a lot and I liked him. He had this rugged handsomeness with this large scar on his cheek he got by wrecking his father’s car as an inexperienced teenage driver. This was what spurred me to agree on a physical meet. I badly wanted to touch that scar. Lol. Creepy, I know. But then I shocked myself by actually going to this guy’s house on the first date.

Risky, yes? But then again, isn’t that what life is all about? Anyways, TD1 fell my hand because he came off to me as the smash and pass kind. On getting to his house, he ushered me straight into his room because ‘other people were around and he didn’t want distraction”. *rme* Apparently.

I was totally uncomfortable all through my stay there and sat close to the door. I also turned down his offer of food and drink. I didn’t trust him, not with his house that looked like some sort of spiraling dungeon. If anything was to happen, no one would hear a thing. I guess his side of the house was the farthest because of all the atrocities he plans to be committing. Bad child.

Tinder Date 2: Mr Pink Lips

Nope. not my tinder date either

And once again, I accepted to meet another guy in his house. Lol. I keep bordering on the edge of danger. He had a beautiful place, lovely art display and a unique wall clock. We talked, saw a (boring) movie and he cooked a sumptuous meal. Did I trust this one any better? Not really. But I ate the food all the same. Loool. He looked okay. But it didn’t take long for baba to disappoint me.

Just when I was about leaving, he pulled me close and said to me, “Won’t you like to check out the bedroom?” In my head I was like, “What for? Are they sharing money there?” Baba was busy licking his lips, and boy did he have such tender, cotton-candy looking lips. The temptation was strong baje but Omo, I fled like Joseph o. It’s not you devil will use to catch me. We didn’t talk after then. Good riddance, I guess.

Tinder Date 3: Mr. Everything Music

I actually enjoyed this date. We met at Ikeja City Mall and I discovered for the first time alcoholic ice-cream existed. He was very chatty, which was good for me as I suck at conversations. I won’t lie though, at some point I got really bored with the conversation. Don’t blame me. It’s one of the burdens us introverts have to bear.

He gave me his larger than life headsets to listen to a song. Then he played me another, then another and boom…I was hooked. He shared with me most of my current favorite songs and introduced me to the world of sound tracks from movies and series.

We had two (or three) more dates after that just because he’s very bubbly and I did enjoy his company. It’s been three years (I think), we still talk and he’s still in the business of supplying me with songs that connect to my soul. Boy…he knows me too well on that level.

Me refusing to let go of the headset even when it was time to go.

Tinder Date 4: Mr. Psycho guy.

If you’ve seen the move The Perfect Guy…yeah. TD4 was next level psycho.

I enjoyed chatting with this guy simply because of his abnormality. Can’t help that I’m drawn to weirdos and we totally synced from the first hello. So much that we started chatting about 10pm, all through the night and the next day I was off to meet with him. He had me waiting for him at a bar in eCentre which was where everything started to spiral. Not only was he late for our date, he was distracted with his phone for the few minutes we were there. Seriously unstable.

He ordered Chapman for me and didn’t let me go halfway with it before asking that we leave and go have dinner. I didn’t ask where we were off to but I felt partly safe as I was familiar with the route the cab was taking. The cab stopped in front of a church and I thought, “oh, straight to the altar is what we doing now?” Then I turned after him and brethren…we were standing in front of this huge hotel.

Food took forever to arrive and when it did, it tasted bland. Partly because the food really was bland and partly because Mr. Psycho Date didn’t order anything and just kept staring at me acting super weird. It’s hard for me to eat with someone watching so I had the waiter pack the rest of the food. I just wanted to be on my way home already. It was obvious that our joker and Harley Quinn stint only looked good on paper…or in this case, over chat.

Then he turned to me and said, “Can I go book a room now?”

Lmao. I wanted to fall out of the chair. I really wanted to fall out of the chair or better still disappear at that moment. I knew he wasn’t okay cos people with high IQ tend to tip over but still I thought he had a measure of sense. It was then I knew not all nerds are that nerdy. I will spare you further details of his loco-motive. *winks* see what i did there?

Oh , how disappointed I was. I felt so embarrassed and started to question my life. Was this why he brought me here to eat tasteless rice, plantain and fish? To fatten me up for the kill? This guy actually thinks I’m a runs girl? Who sent me message?

(Now that I think about it, I’m noticing a lot of similarities between him and the guy from the soulmate story. Could it be the same person and I just didn’t realize? Think I’m going to go dig up my tinder account if I can still trace the chat. Here’s the story if you haven’t read it

I couldn’t blame the guy. Majority of girls on Nigerian Tinder are there for the runs. I’ve gone undercover as a guy before so I knew this for a fact. This was the point I gave up on meeting guys online. Tinder, Badoo and the likes. I deleted them all. I was done. I would find another coping mechanism. No iota of respect for the average lady on these online dating apps. smh.

Sooooooo, that’s the summary of my Tinderpade (tinder + escapade. Joo get?) I guess one win out of four isn’t so bad. Glad I came out of the experience alive. Loool.

Have you ever tried online dating and what weird experiences did you have? Gist us let’s know what’s up.

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