There is this popular belief that people who speak less and listen more are usually wiser. I wish I could attribute my being quiet to being a blue-eyed, silver-haired sage. Unfortunately, it’s not so.
You see, what I am is a child who has a fear of speaking. Contrary to what I’ve made myself believe, I’m not all that shy afterall.
Growing up, talking in our house was a sin. You don’t make a sound where my father was. “Shut up” is the next thing you’d hear. We were supposed to be breathing ornaments, seen and not heard. I felt maybe I had nothing of meaning to say and so I took this mindset with me everywhere I went; school, church, parties etc. I learnt to not speak except when asked to. This also led to me to not being able to stand up for myself in situations where I should.
It’s not like I have a problem putting words together. The problem is getting my brain and my mouth to cohesively deliver the very words I want them to. I am always afraid I’d say the wrong things. I am also afraid of saying the right things. I rehearse conversations in my head 10 million times before I have them and 10 million times after I have them just to pick out where I might have made possible errors.
I called myself a child with a fear of speaking because the adult in me has a lot to say. She wants to be out here dishing golden nuggets, telling people how she really feels, calling people to order, hyping her friends like her oxygen supply depends on it. She wants to be more vulnerable, opening up a bit more. I’m tired of forming loner guy but the child in me who has been told to shut up all her life keeps having the upper hand.
I’m only able to write this thanks to an EQ coach who made me realise I need to talk about my childhood trauma so people can understand me and also help me on my journey as I make conscious efforts to open up more. I want to get to that point where I’m no longer obsessed with having the right words all the time or being afraid to speak my mind.
So, the next time you see me and I’m doing like crayfish, make me talk!!! No matter how awkward I seem, push me to talk. Don’t mind my strong face. It’s just a defense mechanism. I really can’t win this on my own. 😔😔😔
Like my best friend once said, it took a lot of chakra to write this. Thank you for agreeing to being my accountability partners and thank you for reading this post up to this point. Namaste.
Meanwhile, what are your plans should the government impose a compulsory stay-at-home order over this corona matter?